My 40s aren’t what my teen self imagined (hello, waistline!). But amidst unexpected caregiving and a fluctuating bank balance, I found surprising triumphs: a profound relationship with Amma, hard-won resilience, and a mind finally at peace. This is my honest take on embracing midlife’s imperfect perfection.
As soon as you hit the magic age of 40, several alarm bells go off in your head. And the life you imagined for yourself as a kid/teenager/young adult seems to not just be a distant dream, but somewhat unachievable.
The comparisons inside your head keep you up at night, and when you dare to step out, whether for a wedding or a funeral—more funerals, fewer weddings lately—the endless questions make you want to curl up under a weighted blanket and go right back to sleep, rather back to some more sleepless nights.
The myth of the midlife ‘ideal’
A fat bank balance, at least two grumpy kids, an apartment with a mountain view, luxurious villa vacations in remote islands, fit body—that’s how my teen-self thought the forties would start. She’d be disappointed with the ever-increasing waistline and dwindling bank balance.
She would, however, be proud of and surprised by the achievements in business, the awards on the proverbial wall, a long-term loving (fortunately healthy) relationship and most of all, the unlikely relationship with Amma.
The unfolding of a fractured relationship
My fractured relationship with Amma went on well beyond the teenage years. A surprising effect of growing up (and not surprising result of therapy) has been the innate understanding that no matter how toxic her actions may seem to me, all human beings are flawed, their experiences and thoughts can never be the same as yours and the realisation that I have the power to not let anyone’s actions affect me deeply.
I never expected to still be living with Amma. Frankly, I never expected to be her sole caretaker or to end up seeing myself as an only child (I am not, but that’s a story for another day). It’s been a journey from wanting to leave home as soon as I graduated, being sure of taking up a job in another city, to looking for jobs as near to home as possible when Dad passed away almost twenty years ago. From wanting to “get away” as soon as things settled, to living in the same house for over thirty years.
Navigating the storms: anxiety and resilience
I am constantly surprised by my ever-increasing well of patience and understanding for Amma, for dealing with all her medical issues, for handling the unique challenges that her dementia is throwing my way, and for saying “I love you” when she goes to bed and, more so, for meaning it.
It has definitely been a tough road, filled with anxiety attacks, intense therapy sessions, thoughts of running away, not being able to prioritise my health and business, and suffering financial setbacks as a result.
I know the road ahead is not going to be easy. But being 40 has brought a sense of calm and strength that I did not have before. And while I may not be at my ideal weight yet, I am definitely in my ideal mind space. Nothing is the way it is “supposed” to be, but I am going to make it the best it can be.
