In a world that celebrates youth and nostalgia, Deepa Kulkarni writes about the powerful bonds we form in our 40s that often go unrecognized. This personal reflection explores how midlife friendships offer unique comfort, healing, and transformation during life’s most challenging transitions—proving that our #NotSoSilver years might just be the golden age of meaningful connection.
Not many people talk about the comfort in friendships made in our 40s. Often, we express nostalgia for school and college friends, yet we fail to acknowledge the power of friendships made in our Not So Silver years.
The last few weeks have been a flurry of dates meeting up with friends I’ve made once I was on the cusp of middle age. Some have been my friends for over a decade and some I’ve made in the recent past. And with each friend, there is a bond unlike any other. And this got me thinking about how we approach friendships as we grow older.
Navigating midlife challenges
Middle age brings with it its set of issues for both men and women. Not for nothing is it known as midlife crisis. Hormonal imbalances, brain fog, emotional upheavals all make this period of transition difficult to navigate. The added responsibility of children, elderly parents, work and domestic chores make it overwhelming to handle. For single men and women, loneliness at this stage in life can be crippling.
But this phase also brings with it an opportunity to introspect and become self aware. This is a powerful gift we can give ourselves as it helps us understand ourselves better, not just that it helps us accept ourselves as we are, work on what we think has scope for improvement, accept things that are not in our control and draw boundaries, both emotional and physical. It is also a time where we become friends with our own selves. And this is a very empowering feeling because it is only then that we are ready for the empowering and nourishing friendships that this phase in our life brings us.
While many view this phase to be traumatic and hard to navigate, it also offers us the opportunity to transform ourselves. Navigating this aspect of our life gives us the self-confidence to become adventurous and free ourselves from the shackles of fear of failure. And this is where friendships come in.
Finding your tribe
Sisterhood comes in many forms just like friends do. I have friends I have bonded with by joining a book club. One of my dearest friends and I met at a book club when I was on the cusp of my not so silver years. What drew us together was a shared love for spirituality, handlooms, mela and temple hopping. While we have phases where we don’t talk to each other for months, we also have phases where we talk several times a day. Another friend I met via a book club has been a constant in my life since the day we met, and has been an empowering friend through trying phases in my life.
Some of the endearing friendships that I have are with moms my children studied with. While I’ve known these moms for years now, the relationships have evolved with time, and there is a comfort, acceptance and attachment that comes only because all of us have worked on evolving ourselves and encouraged each other to evolve. We have also talked about our deepest fears and insecurities and bared it all, and supported each other in those trying times. This transition has helped us become a better version of ourselves, and thanks to one persistent friend who never gave up, this former mass plant murderer had been reformed into a missus green thumb and transformed her balcony into a zen space.
Digital bonds and support networks
In this age of social media, networking via Facebook, Instagram, and X has become very easy. While it can give us a false sense of popularity and social clout, those of us who trust our vibe do manage to find our own tribe. In fact, I’ve met friends I made via social media apps in real life who encourage me to write and follow my passion. I have even been on a day trip to Agra and Vrindavan with friends I made via X. For a person who was socially awkward during my midlife crisis, this was a huge transition. Friends I made via social media encourage me to talk publicly about my grief journey from child loss and write about it as well.
Support groups are oftentimes not given the importance they deserve, maybe because we are socially conditioned to think that seeking support is a sign of weakness. But for me, my real healing began when I joined a support group 15 years after losing my toddler to cancer. Little did I know how much I had held back till then. Here I had finally found women who understood me. I found these women when in my 40s, and what inspiring women they all are.
When one of us is low, the others listen and comfort as only a person who has been on a similar journey can. We have become friends, unconditional in our support and have laughed together, cried together. We have even been on vacation with family and without and had a blast. One of our members recently celebrated her son’s wedding and we all turned out dressed to the nines. I would encourage people to seek out support groups as we realise we are not alone in this up and down journey called life.
Rekindling old connections
This is also the time when childhood friends and college friends reconnect as adults and the relationship evolves to become stronger. Thanks to social media, distances have blurred and people we had lost touch with are now just a text/message/phone call away. While we make new friends in our middle years, the older ones reappear as if to say “Hey, I am still here. Pay attention to me as well.” Those relationships have changed from gossiping about classmates to now talking about deeper and more meaningful things.”
Sometimes, even the bad experience of being with a crowd one doesn’t fit into, is a blessing in disguise. While bullying and pulling one down can wreak havoc with mental health, it is also an opportunity to learn and draw boundaries around friendship. That learning experience is a life lesson well learnt.
The gift of mature friendship
What I have realised is that at this stage in my life, friends are a powerful band of brothers and sisters who enrich my life, not just by encouraging me to be myself, but also branch out and try things that I may not have thought of. Sisterhood not only is about support but also encouraging friends to challenge themselves, and criticise shortcomings without being harsh, and help see the potential that we may not be aware of. Like any other relationship, friendship takes a lot of effort and needs to evolve and be nurtured.
True friendship is about encouragement, support, empowerment, acceptance and presence, without any agenda and in the absence of judgement. And that is how it should be.
